A Brief History of Time

Way back in the dim and forgotten mists of time, (2003, June 23rd, around lunchtime), in what was later to become known as the Big Burp, some programmers belched forth a chaotic mass of code. The code expanded outwards, filling the previously empty void with swirling parameters and attributes. The SLuniverse had been born.

As the random bits of code bumped and clashed in the ether, connections were forged and links made. Individual structured masses began to appear in the darkness, taking form and shape. As the white heat of creation cooled and settled, some of these forms became entities in their own right… the largest of these became known as Agni and Aditi.

Aditi was bleak and featureless but Agni was profoundly active: unstable, a great heaving primeval electronic soup full of tiny chunklets and snippets of scripting. As these spiralled and swam in the vast oceans of Agni, they combined, co-mingled and coagulated: creating new and more complex combinations. Eventually, some scriptlets were more successful than others and began to replicate, communicate and populate, combining and diversifying to become ever more complex forms. Over an enormous amount of time, (getting on for mid-afternoon tea break, at least), they assumed recognisable forms… tiny cuboids, pyramidals, torusauruses, cylindricates and spheropods – these were the protoprims: the building blocks of SLife itself!

As they evolved, the protoprims displayed an astonishing diversity of forms and types… transparentosaurids, linkapods, torturipsids and flexidonts – each with its own distinguishing features and attributes. Then one day, (might have been a wet Thursday), something remarkable happened… a lone Cubeosaur flopped its way out from the sparkling sea, into the primeval windlight; took a deep breath and realised, all too late, the necessity to evolve lungs. The following day, a slightly more evolved and robust Plywoododocus slowly made its way onto the seashore and never looked back.

So the conquest of the land had begun. By Sunday evening, the successful protoprims were romping around as if they owned the place and, as their domain grew, so did they. Before long there were giants in the land – megaprims: the like of which have never been seen since. Some were predators, like Griefersaurus Rex and Lagadactylus; others, like the botosaurs, were opportunist scavengers but the majority were peaceful, inoffensive sorts – Torleysaurus; Noobodont and Sculptyoceretops. The reign of the megaprims seemed secure but something was going on, right under their feet!

In the nooks and crannies of the developing terrain, things were scurrying and scuttling – tinies – but these were no ordinary critters: these had followed a different path entirely: rather than opting for size, they went for fur! The furries were incredibly successful and managed to infiltrate every part of the SLandmass, not only on the ground but a few enterprising furries even took to the air, flitting about like big furry flying things and bugging the hell out of the megaprims. Eventually, the megaprims got so annoyed at the constant flittering and wittering that they stomped off in a huff and have never been seen since, although even today, there are stories of phantom megaprims inhabiting some of the darker recesses of the SLuniverse.

Not content with being masters of their world, the furries continued to evolve. They developed the use of tools and, as their bodies changed and adapted to their improved living conditions, they began to lose their fur. Then one day, quite without warning, one of the not-quite-as-furry furries stood upright on its own two feet. This was a vast improvement, since up till now, the furries had all walked on their hands – a not terribly efficient method of movement, since the blood kept rushing to their heads, causing them to pass out. Soon, everyone was on their feet and walking became the thing to do – Neanderfurry was doomed: Avatar Erectus had arrived!

Thus commenced a rather embarrassing period of SLevolution. Saddled with such a rude name, A. Erectus did everything they could to pass as quickly as possible to another new species, with a hopefully less embarrassing title. They built communities, altered the terrain around them to suit their purposes, invented clothing and developed trade. Their hard work was finally rewarded with the achievement of semi-intelligence and, after much debate, they finally achieved their goal – it was a warm, sunny, Friday morning when Avatar Sapiens first stepped out of their front door, jumped on a pose ball and adopted the ‘thinker’ pose!

Some say that the SLuniverse is still evolving and changing, some say that intelligence is just the first step to even greater things, some speak in hushed words of ‘Avatar Meshyensis’… who knows?

Only time will tell.

S. x

In the days of the caveman and mammoths and glaciers
Bugs and trees were your food then; no pyjamas or doctors
Crash Test Dummies – In The Days Of The Caveman

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