Isn’t it always the way that the most unlikely things always contrive to happen in the most awkward way imaginable – it seems as if they know when you’ve made specific plans. As Robert Burns said, in his 1785 poem, ‘The best laid schemes of mice and men, go often askew, and leave us nothing but grief and pain’ – it seems that little has changed in the intervening years.
i feel a little like i’ve been transported back to the 1700’s right this moment – it so happens that i’m peering through the gloom at these words i’m writing – which are being penned the old-fashioned way, using ink and paper – by the flickering light of candles. No, i’m not trying to re-create the ambience of an 18th century garret, to see whether i can pull off my own anthology of classic poetry – fat chance of that, even if i could see what i was writing! No, dear friends, the reason for my unusual state is rather more prosaic: The blooming power has gone off!
Yes, for the last three hours, and counting, my electricity supply has singularly failed to flow, which has put paid to my plans for these evening in a rather abrupt fashion. Had this happened yesterday (Sunday, to you); that would have been inconvenient – my ironing wouldn’t have been done, (how awful!), and i would have been forced to spend my Sunday evening relaxing and doing absolutely nothing at all. If it had waited for tomorrow – well, irritating, but manageable – however, of all the evenings to pick, why did it have to be tonight?
Tonight had been planned with military precision – i intended doing a bit of baking; in fact i’d just got in from shopping for the ingredients, along with my supper, brewed a cup of tea and switched on the computer when ‘phut!’ – no power.
My plan, which had been something like this: Cook > Have supper > Blog > Do a spot of sl building > Chill, ended up looking like this: Curse > Stumble around > Light candles > Sit in semi-darkness like someone in a Hammer Horror film. All incredibly annoying and frustrating – no power = no light; no computer; no internet; no stove; no kettle and, joy of joys, i now know that my water supply is pumped, so that’ll be no water then, either.
So, whilst i’m sat in the the dark, pondering whether to go for a walk, (the weather had to be abysmal, of course – doing a fair imitation of the Perfect Storm), a rather unpleasant and worrying thought occurred to me. A thought that’s caused me to have a complete re-think of some of my disaster contingency plans.
i’d always taken it for granted that in the event of a zombie invasion my chances of survival were pretty good. i’m a fairly resourceful type and i tend not to panic in a crisis. In a worst-case scenario, i’d simply stock up on tins of wonton soup and catering packs of rice and pasta and sit it out until the zombies all starved to death. i’m two storeys up, with a good number of stairs and doors between me and the outside world, so knocking up a decent zombie-proof barricade would be a doddle. Losing power had never really bothered me – it was bound to happen, so i’d simply planned to burn kitchen units in the oven to provide heat and for cooking and i have enough candles to stock a fairly decent sized cathedral, so light wouldn’t be a problem either. Even the most persistent zombies would have been hard-pressed to get the better of me – but that’s all changed… now i know that no power also means no water, my whole plan lies in tatters.
Just imagine barricading yourself in, only to find you’ve nothing to drink other than wonton soup, a couple of bottles of lemonade and red wine? Granted, you might die happy and on a sugar rush, but it’s hardly the best plan in the world. Besides, i wouldn’t want to go to heaven with a hangover!
Thank goodness i found out that my zombie contingency plan is fatally flawed, it would have been a real pain to have made the discovery in the midst of a fully-fledged attack by hordes of the living dead – most inconvenient. As it is, i’m now considering whether to start stockpiling bottled water – although i fear that it won’t be possible to amass sufficient reserves, (do you realise how many bottles it’ll take for just one decent bath?), so maybe i’ll just have to move to a more zombie-proof location – it’s a tricky one!
Hmmm… i just had another frightening thought: i wonder what’s caused the power to fail in the first place? Could it be that the zombie invasion has already started? Perhaps i really ought to get started on the red wine, after all?
In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie
The Cranberries – Zombie