Just imagine you’re off to meet a friend… You’re running for the bus and, just as you reach the bus stop, you suddenly find yourself twanged back halfway down the street, forced to watch the bus go sailing past as you wave your fist heavenwards and curse the gods of elastic banding! Eventually, you manage to catch the next bus and arrive at your friends. They greet you at the door, but you carry on walking straight across the room, ignoring their hug of greeting, through the wall and straight into the next neighbourhood where you end up striding into somebody’s bathroom, just as they’re stepping out of the shower! Mortified, you launch into an apology, at which instant you suddenly find yourself back where you started, telling your friend how sorry you are you caught them naked and covered in suds.
What about the immense capacity for social embarrassment when you arrive at the entrance to a posh hotel for a meal and night out, but are scared to move because everything around you has either turned invisible, or into large stripy globular masses and grey squares? As you stand there, desperately hoping that your normal vision is restored as quickly as possible, three other guests turn up, all stood on your head, arms flailing like a troupe of acrobats in some strange parody of a circus act gone wrong. Hastily proffering apologies all round, you step aside and sit down on what you hope is a sofa, to wait for your eyesight to clear… sadly, when it does, you find yourself perched on top of a rather large cactus and the sofa is the other side of the room. Making light of the moment; “i meant to do that!”, you try to sit on the more conventional furniture provided, only to be told by a haughty member of hotel staff – “That’s not a suitable surface to sit on!”. Sighing, you resign yourself to standing in the corner.
Eventually, your friend turns up – they apologise for their lateness; they’ve been placating the neighbours after your earlier faux pas with the shower intrusion – you only know it’s your friend because you recognise their hair and shoes – all the rest of their body and clothing appears to have vanished into thin air. When you discretely mention that they seem to have left their body at home, your poor friend is devastated and excuses themselves, disappearing to the loo for a quick re-arrangement of their appearance, promising to be right back very soon. At last they return – quite definitely dressed and in full possession of their body parts now, in fact there seems to be a bit of a surplus! You decide not to mention the second growth of hair or the extra pair of shoes… discretion is, after all, the better part of valour.
It’s not the best night out: Conversation didn’t really flow too well at dinner… Half the time you opened your mouth to speak, nothing came out, so you’re sat there, mouth opening and closing, like a demented goldfish, when suddenly the words you tried to say ten minutes ago suddenly make an appearance – although, unfortunately, not in the order you wanted to say them… somehow, your choice from the menu has got mixed up with the sweet nothings you wanted to share with your dinner partner: “i’m not a fish person, i really don’t like… you in that dress; you look like a… trout – far too bony for my liking!”
Somehow, you manage to salvage the situation and suggest a dance, although that starts badly too, when you start pinching your partner’s bottom in an effort to get the dance started. Too late, you realise she’s not that kind of girl and you both end up dancing completely different moves at arms’ length.Miserably you dance on though the evening, although your enjoyment is considerably marred because the orchestra seem incapable of playing for longer than a minute at a time, after which they stop, hang up their instruments and sit in silence until they feel up to playing again. Desperately, you try to put things right: Moving closer, you whisper in her ear – at least, that was your intention – instead you inadvertently broadcast to the whole room exactly what you intend getting up to later, when you get her home!
That earns you a slap across the face, followed by your hasty retreat.
You awake the following morning with a thundering headache and something of an identity crisis – overnight you appear to have changed both your appearance and gender and, although the spotty pink dress is quite fetching, it’s just not you! Consequently you spend half the morning trying to get dressed and visiting the hairdressers’ and tattoo parlour, just to get back your old look! This makes you horribly late for your job interview – not that it matters much – half way through, your potential new boss disappears in a puff of smoke, only to re-appear five minutes later as a bald dwarf. Not to be outdone, the moment he comes back, you perform the self same trick! Needless to say, you don’t get the job.
Making your way disconsolately home, you stop off at a cafe for a bite to eat and a coffee. Whilst there, you check your messages – unsurprisingly your date from last night has decided she’s no longer your friend – ah well, these things happen, who can blame her. The next message is a bit of an odd one – everyone is advised, because of unspecified problems, not to conduct any transactions or spend money, until the problems are fixed… this presents you with a slight difficulty, as you smile disarmingly at the waitress, who is patiently stood there waiting for you to pay the bill.
So, having been thrown out of the cafe, could the day possibly get any worse? – Apparently, it can – the last message is a bit of humdinger: It tells you that, for no apparent reason, the world is going to end in 30 seconds and, if you don’t make alternative arrangements, you’re about to be forcibly ejected from life!
Us sl residents are a tolerant lot!
Tonight is Hallowe’en Night at Soul Mods – normally i don’t bother with such things, but it would be mean-spirited not to enter into the spirit – i predict at least one pirate, (with denim accessories), a red devil in a slinky catsuit, at least one scantily-clad demonette, Doctor Who and, quite possibly, a monkey in a Batman suit! As for myself, well that must remain a secret… suffice it to say that i’ve pulled out all the stops and cannibalised at least four different outfits for my costume. i can’t actually add any more to it: sl stubbornly refuses to let me add more than 36 wearable objects! Couple that with four tattoo layers and hair that i picked up a while back because i absolutely adored it, even though i knew i’d never wear it, and overall, i’m rather pleased with the result! i promise to take pictures!
Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this: the peak of your civilization.
Agent Smith – The Matrix