“Fancy a trip around town?”, i said, summoning up my faithful rickshaw, secure in the knowledge that here was a form of transport i could profess to having a degree of control over, unlike the miscellaneous cars, rockets, motorbikes, scooters, lawnmowers, wheelchairs, unicycles, shopping trolleys and pogo sticks that, at one time or another, i’ve managed to completely trash whilst out for a spin in sl. (Let’s not mention the whole train i managed to jack knife into the side of a mountain last week!)
In fact, i knew the journey would be completely without risk, since i’d successfully circumnavigated the sim just the other day without incident, including the rather nasty left-hander at the corner of the harbour… someone really should repair that crash barrier – how on earth it got broken in the first place is beyond me – no doubt some lout driving a sit-on mower far too fast, i dare say!
What i hadn’t bargained on was the difference having a passenger riding shotgun would have. The deleterious effect it had on handling would have had Jeremy Clarkson crying into his corduroy jacket… if you can imagine trying to steer a large, partially-set strawberry jelly, (one of those ones shaped like a rabbit – which always struck me as a very odd way to serve up a fruit dessert), with only three wheels, all of which had originally belonged to the worst supermarket trolley in the world, you’ll have some idea of the problems i was experiencing.
i knew it was going to be a tricky journey when i narrowly missed driving through the pond, rather than around it and then completely failed to fit through the 20 metre gap in the fence the other side, (although, to be fair, i did somehow manage to squeeze through the non-existent gap at the end of the fence). My route through town was fairly uneventful, although not entirely the one i’d planned – for a start, i was going in the opposite direction to the one i’d intended; a small point to consider when measured against some of the more fraught aspects of the journey. Indeed, things were going just fine, until i hit a rather bizarre vortex in the middle of the road by the harbour, which had us twirling around like some bizarre rickshaw merry-go-round. A saner person would have quit at that point, but not me… a judicious nudge in the right direction, and we were off again – which is where it all went horribly wrong.
Apparently, those unfortunate enough to experience a car crash, experience a kind of time-dilation effect, where everything happens in slow motion. (A bit like explosions in films, which always happen really slowly – presumably to give the hero time to compose themselves ready for the ‘flying-through-the-air’ bit, that inevitably happens at the end of the ‘running-out-of-range-of-the-explosion’ bit). Take it from me, time slows in exactly the same fashion when you go flying off the road into a packed dance floor, in a rickshaw.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo……….”, i heard myself exclaim in a long, drawn out exclamation, as before me in super slow motion, dancers scattered as we ploughed headlong into the opposite wall. There was a stunned silence as the full impact of the mayhem i’d caused descended upon everyone present, followed by a round of applause and cries of “way to make an entrance!”
Blurting out embarrassed apologies all round, there was only one thing to do – yes, we did a runner!
i can only offer my heartfelt apologies to everyone at Dear Prudence Rock Club – i’m sorry for the breakages and i’ll foot the bill for any broken dance poles, and ruined underwear, i promise! Perhaps, in future i should simply stay well away from anything at all vehicular, and if i ever do feel the inclination to get back behind the wheel, handlebars or reins ever again, i promise to only do so with someone walking in front, waving a large red flag… that’s if i can find anyone stupid enough to do it!
here you go way to fast
don’t slow down you’re gonna crash
you should watch – watch your stay here
don’t look out you’re gonna break your neck
The Primitives – Crash