Keyboard not found: Press any key to continue…

Error messages: The tabloid headlines of the IT industry!

Like anything that is even remotely connected to computerism, sl has it’s own raft of error messages, some are fairly straightforward, compared to the usual arcane and obfuscated bizarreisms we’re more used to seeing technology generate; whilst others may as well be written in an obscure dialect of Klingon, for all the sense we’re able to make of them. The problem with error messages isn’t so much that they tend to be meaningless and less helpful than an English→Armenian→Italian phrase book, it’s more the case that we think we know what they mean, whilst in reality, we’re so wide of the mark you’d think we’d learned our computer skills at the Homer Simpson School of Technology!

Here then, for those of us who don’t possess a PhD in computerese are the real meanings of just a few of those strange and peculiar messages that pop up on our screens in sl from time to time…

Unable to find teleport destination. The destination may be temporarily unavailable or no longer exists.
There are two possibilities here: Either (like almost every landmark you possess), that fab shop you loved so much has gone bankrupt under the crippling weight of tier and has been replaced by a gogo bar, or alternatively, you’ve tried to TP somewhere that you could never possibly get to in the first place – easily done after spending far too much time inworld. Just remember that TP’ing to the kitchen, into bed, the loo or your place of work is still beyond the capability of modern technology. (The one exception to this is if you happen to be employed by Linden Lab, in which case you may well be able to TP to your place of work!).

If you find yourself faced by this perplexing message, first ensure that you really are trying to TP somewhere inworld… if you can touch it, feel it and it’s not made of pixels, the chances are that it’s in the real world and, no matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to TP there. Possible alternatives are walking, crawling, getting in the car or flagging down a passing seagull-assisted giant peach in order to get to your intended destination.

A similar problem can be experienced with clothing… if your underwear stubbornly refuses to jump out of the dressing table onto your body no matter how much you click, you can be fairly certain that you’re actually in rl – by the same token, a wise person always checks that they’re inworld before attempting a quick change of clothes in the middle of the street!

No suitable surface to sit on
It might look like a chair and display very chair-like characteristics; it may even be accompanied by a few scatter cushions and a comfortable-looking cat – that doesn’t mean you can sit on it! You’ve made the common mistake of assuming that things in sl act in the same way as their real world cousins – this is wrong.

SL has a great big machine, driven by elastic bands and meeroos on treadmills hidden away in the bowels of a Californian datacentre… The Physics Engine. The sole job of this infernal device is to make everything in sl behave in a completely different way to what would normally be expected – bear this in mind, and you won’t go far wrong.

Suitable surfaces to sit on are usually razor-thin or extremely pointy. You can also sit on the outside of vehicles or on other people’s heads.

Have you seen this messeage?

You have been logged out of Second Life – this region may be experiencing problems
Not what it appears to be at all. The simple fact is that sl operates on a timeshare basis and you’ve overstayed your welcome… at least, i assume that’s the case, because i simply can’t imagine any region in sl ever experiencing problems so bad that you’d be completely kicked offworld. 

Second Life cannot be accessed from this computer.
Here’s what you do – stop typing and raise hands from keyboard and mouse. Now blink rapidly a few times, maybe even stand up and stretch. Done that? Good. Now that you have a clear perspective, double-check that what you’re trying to log in with really is a computer…

Calculators, iPods, microwave ovens and other similar devices may look the part but are unlikely to be a real substitute for a decent PC or laptop. Similarly, you might want to check that the ‘keyboard’ you’re using isn’t actually a very large bar of chocolate.

Attempt to rez object failed
How dare you try to clutter up sl with your cheap tat! Immediately delete every object from your inventory, clear cache and never let your pixels darken this doorway again. Find a corner, sit in it and consider, at length, the error of your ways. 

Inventory creation on in-world object failed
No – try as i might, i cannot figure this one out. Probably something to do with graphics pipelines, whatever those might be. What concerns me most about this message is the implication that there might be such a thing as an ‘out-world object’! i have horrible visions that half of the contents of my inventory will suddenly rez in my real world kitchen, and then what am i supposed to do with it?
 

Unexpected server difficulties
A complete fob-off – a bit like when you’re at the station and hear the announcement, “Network South Northern apologises for the late running of your train” – you know that all that’s missing of the end of that message is a great big raspberry noise! 😛

How come, when everyone who’s ever used sl constantly expects server difficulties, maintenance and problems, it always seems to be a complete surprise to the Lindens? Oh dear, we have some ‘unexpected’ difficulties” – yeah right!

Black Screen Of Death?

Your home location is unavailable. You may want to set a new home position. you have been moved into a nearby region
Your neighbours have complained that you constantly play Bon Jovi, have appalling taste in decor and refuse to play their vampire games. Consequently, you have been summarily evicted and dumped miles from home, where you’ll find a whole bunch of bemused people wandering around and wondering how on earth they got there. We’ll miss you. 

s. x

I feel me brain like porridge coming out of me ears
and I was anticipating reverie
I’ve taken leave of me senses – and I’m in arrears
my legs buckle over – I’m living on my knees
I’m gonna breakdown
The Buzzcocks – Breakdown 

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2 Responses to Keyboard not found: Press any key to continue…

  1. LOL
    I could not tell you how many times I have looked for something IRL only to realize it was in SL!!!

    • i think it’s an occupational hazard of being a resident – either that, or sl is being used to infiltrate our consciousness! Either way, i think most of us have searched for something in rl that only exists in our sl wardrobe.

      s. x

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