Dirty Dancing

In recent weeks i’ve been getting back into using my dance chim after an extended period of it getting little, if any, use at all. The great benefit of having a chim is that you’re not dependent upon the dubious contents of dance balls and intans for tripping the light fantastic across the dancefloor, plus you can customise them to your heart’s content – ensuring that only your favourite dances ever make an appearance.

Since it’s been a while since i last availed myself of the contents of my chim, it’s been an interesting and occasionally surprising journey of rediscovery which has in turn prompted me to ask the question ‘what on earth was i thinking?’

Logic says that the dances i’ve carefully selected as my own must surely be at least half-decent and be a lot less hit and miss than those available at most clubs. Let’s face it, when clicking on an unknown intan, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be risking ritual humiliation, multiple dislocations and/or indecent exposure in a public place if you should make the fatal error of selecting the wrong dance or, heaven forbid, trusting to ‘random’. i speak as one who has, at various times in the past, found myself flying through the air, spinning on my head, doing an extreme version of the Cancan and swimming through the dancefloor. Far safer to rely on your own selection of moves… at least, that’s how it should be. The truth is, i appear to own a selection of dances that would put the most embarrassing dance ball to shame!

Highlights from my collection include the ‘i’m a noob and i picked this up as part of a job lot at a freebie mall’ dance; the ‘arms and legs flailing like a demented zombie on acid’ dance; the rather odd dance that has me dancing at 45 degrees from vertical for no apparent reason, and the terminally repetitive dance with the world’s worst transition between every start and end. Oh, not to forget the dance that seems perfectly normal, right up to the point it sends you insanely careering across the entire floor, knocking everybody flying the the process.

Things aren’t helped in the slightest by my complete inability to associate any particular dance with its name, or for that matter, to remember which dances work well and which which ones should be avoided at all costs. Consequently, i tend to fumble around, selecting dances at random until i find the least embarrassing one or the one i intended all along, but which has somehow mysteriously changed both its name and location in the menu since the last time i used it. It doesn’t help that very few of the dances i possess have names that bear any relation to what you might expect them to do – so, Moonlight Whisper is almost guaranteed to have me moshing like a reject from the Iron Maiden fan club and Laidback Lullaby is a dead cert for having me doing headspins, backflips and breaking some serious hip hop breakdancing moves (along with a few limbs, no doubt). Then there’s the complete mysteries… S4D221B or WX2(2) Dance, and so on.

The Safety Dance... Nobody is safe!

About the only two dances i can really trust – because i actually know what they do – are my Safety Dance – which has me skipping in a circle like a demented schoolgirl… Great fun if you can persuade everyone else to join you, and my Pulp Fiction Dance, which does exactly what it says on the tin.

i know what you’re thinking… Why on earth don’t i sort out my chim, delete all the dross and rename those dances that i can to something more meaningful. The answer, my friends, is quite simple – it’s the same reason that i never seem to get around to sorting out my inv. or tidying up my wardrobe – there’s simply far too many interesting and enjoyable things to be doing that are infinitely more important than doing sensible and necessary stuff and, i’m afraid, that’s something that’s unlikely to change.

Ideally, it would be awesome if one of you terribly clever scripting-type-people out there could come up with a chim that allowed you to preview your choice of dance before committing it to the public arena. Nothing fancy, maybe a HUD with a little stick person who’ll bust a few moves for you when you click ‘preview’… how difficult can that be? Tell you what, i’ll be first in the queue to buy one!

s. x

I’m falling in love with your favourite song
I’m gonna sing it all night long
I’m gonna dance with somebody
Dance with somebody
Dance, dance, dance
Mando Diao – Dance With Somebody 

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