Here’s some useful road safety advice for when you’re abroad in sl – If i happen to be in charge of any vehicle, anywhere in your vicinity, then just stay off the roads. Better still, stay away from the pavements, verges or anywhere on the ground at all… Coming to think of it, under the water or up in the sky aren’t particularly safe either.

The plain fact of the matter is that no matter what sort of virtual vehicle i choose as a means of conveyance, my capacity to control it in any manner that could be considered anything less than life-threatening is pretty much non-existent – this is odd because i consider myself to be a fairly safe and competent driver in rl. In the real world i’ve driven numerous cars – both on and off-road – vans, a couple of lorries, a train and even a tank, all pretty much without serious incident and, apart from being hurled from my bike not so long ago, i’ve managed to avoid anything remotely resembling anything more than the most minor of accidents. So why is it that the moment i try to drive, ride, paddle, fly or otherwise take command of anything with, (or indeed, without an infernal combustion engine), in sl, it inevitably results in carnage and destruction?

Bear in mind that i’m the person who managed to lose control of a rickshaw, sending it crashing through a horde of innocent clubbers; the very same person who managed to send a sit-on lawnmower into orbit – i’ve even managed to jack-knife a shopping trolley! So it’s not just a case of picking the wrong vehicle – whatever i contrive to drive, it seems that i’m merely a passenger, along for the ride, with no say in the route to be travelled – this is not a good thing!

Is it simply that i’ve never got to grips with handling a virtual vehicle, or is there some sort of arcane lore that those of you more accomplished drivers are privy to that somehow i’ve missed along the way? Maybe it’s a case of practice makes perfect – i suppose that would make sense, after all you can’t just jump into a car in rl with no prior knowledge of which pedal does what and simply expect to drive off into the sunset – but that wouldn’t explain the problems i have with those less complicated mechanical means of getting from A to B. There are, after all, no complex controls for a rickshaw, skateboard, shopping trolley or kayak, no gears or sprocket fluxion couplings, no turbo booster jets, and yet even attempting to go in a straight line using any of these forms of conveyance is not only near impossible for me but may also result in bloodshed, demolition and collateral damage that would put a nuclear strike to shame!

It’s not as if i want to go particularly fast or show off my drift cornering, do donuts or J-turns… Forwards, backwards, left and right would suit me just fine, (although ‘stop’ would be handy too) – but so far it’s these very elements of basic driving skills that have singularly defeated me. Coming to think of it, i can do the really clever stuff: Driving sideways up walls, inverted loops underwater and buzzing the tower at Mach 3 at an altitude of 250 feet are no problem, however taking a sedate drive around town and then neatly parking in a convenient space are pretty much impossible to achieve, without vehicular carnage.

Please could somebody – anybody – tell me the secret to controlling any vehicle in sl, so that my next Sunday outing to the shops doesn’t turn into an orgy of death and destruction? Failing that, does anybody have a spare megaregion knocking around that they have no particular use for – preferably somewhere flat, with no turns and nothing breakable or obstacle shaped that could possibly get in my way? Then i could drive to my heart’s content without worrying about losing my no-claims discount!

s. x

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way
Tracy Chapman – Fast Car 

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2 Responses to Car-tastrophic

  1. Shauna says:

    I have an idea what your problem is, Boots. You’re quoting Tracy Chapman’s song “Fast Car” which is folksy. What you need is a song like “Radar Love” or “I Can’t Drive 55.” 🙂

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