It struck me that that theirs is not a happy lot and that few people, if any understand the trials and pitfalls of stickmanity or ever take the time to get to know these extraordinary members of SLociety. Perhaps it’s time that something was done to set the record straight; therefore, in the true spirit of investigative journalism – perhaps for the first time, and probably the last, i’ve managed to pin down one of these most elusive and enigmatic characters who agreed to let me into the strange and peculiar world of the stickman…
SH – First, can i thank you for agreeing to an interview – it’s not everyday that i get a chance to speak to someone who’s even shorter than me! Before we go on, what should i call you? Stickman seems a little formal.
SM – Well, I’ve been called all sorts of things in my time, most of which are unrepeatable in polite company. I suppose Stickman is really my family name; mostly I answer to pretty much anything… any variation of ‘Stick’, ‘Sticky’ or ‘Twiglet’ will do the job, but you can call me Hugo 😉
SH – OK, Hugo it is. So, Hugo, give us an insight into what life is like being a stickman.
SM – (Sighing heavily), to be honest, it can be a bit of a drag. Sometimes I feel that my whole life is just going round in circles; same old thing – day-in, day-out – and the hours are horrendously long too; when everyone else has cleared off, who has to stay around, all alone, trudging his weary path and mouthing platitudes to no-one at all? Me, that’s who! No-one cares about poor Hugo. But a job’s a job and I suppose I should be grateful that I have one at all. Actually – promise you won’t tell anyone this – sometimes, when there’s nobody else around, I change the script… It’s true: I ignore what I’m supposed to say and just make things up, well who’s going to know? I can tell you, I’d make a cracking stand-up comedian, if only I could reach the microphone!
The job is pretty rubbish though, all things considered.
SH – That might explain why stickmen often come across as a bit rude and surly?
SM – Well, put yourself in my position – six inches tall and forced to trudge around the filthy, smelly floor, dodging feet and clambering through litter. Talk about downtrodden – you can take that quite literally! I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been stood on, kicked and squashed. Believe me, treading on a lego brick barefoot doesn’t come anywhere near having a stiletto plunged through your head, with all the weight of a seven foot giant on top of it!
It’s hardly what you’d call a pleasant working environment.There’s far worse that can happen too – a friend of mine used to have a job outside a bar: ‘Come on in and get sloshed’, he’d say, ‘and come back tomorrow for a hair of the dog’. It all ended in tears – ironically, it was a passing dog that mistook him for a bone – the poor guy lost both his legs. His boss thought it was hilarious and ‘promoted’ him – now he has to drag himself through the stale beer and fag ends at the bar, round and round in circles, saying, ‘drink as much as you like… end up legless, like me!’ – just appalling; but that’s the life of a stickman.
SM – Perks? Well, I suppose there are a few – you do get to look up girl’s skirts, after all! Don’t tell Mrs Stickman I told you that! Although it has to be said that with some of the girls I see, that’s hardly a perk – you’d be amazed what odd things can find their way into some people’s nether regions! I’ve seen some strange and bizarre things that you’d never credit, believe me.
You get to insult people too – I can get away with things that others would get whacked for saying, and if anyone wants to take issue with it, I just tell them “it’s on the notecard – I’m just doing my job. Speak to the boss if you’ve got a problem with it”.
SH – Erm.. OK, let’s move on, shall we? Whilst we’re on the subject of perks, surely there are other advantages to being so small?
SM – You’d think so, wouldn’t you? The truth of the matter is that it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be – sure, you can hide away where no-one can find you, spy on people and generally get up to no good without being spotted but people just don’t realise the drawbacks of being titchy. A short walk to the shops for you is nothing, for a stickman it’s a major expedition – puddles become lakes, badly aligned prims become cliff faces and, when you’ve legs as short as mine, even the shortest journey takes forever.
Think about it – you’ve never seen a flying stickman or seen one TP… that’s because we can’t. Those simple things you lot take for granted, we have to do the hard way: I once had to hold my breath for a week to walk across the seabed, just to get to the next Sim! As for winter… don’t talk to me about winter! You try walking through snow that’s deeper than you are tall – and naked too! People just don’t realise what it’s like to be a stickman – no clothes to cover your modesty, in fact, no modesty to cover; just a sticky skeleton…
SH – Umm, i think i get the picture. Maybe we should wind up the interview now? Just one final question though – if you had the opportunity to be anything at all, other than a stickman, what would you like to be?
SM – Now that’s an easy one to answer – I’d want to be a hippo.
SH – A hippo?
SM – Yep, a great big hairy, fat, glutinous, overweight, gross, wobbly hippo. I’d want to be such an enormously fat hippo that I would be physically unable to walk in circles ever again and so big that it would be my turn to tower over everyone else. I’d still insult people but they wouldn’t be able to do a damn thing about it… you ever tried standing on, or kicking a hippo? And if they did try it, I’d blooming well bite their heads off!
SH – Right… i see. Umm, i’m not sure that hippos are particularly hairy and i’m pretty sure they don’t bite people’s heads off either.
SM – They would if I was one!
SH – Well, thanks for a most illuminating interview, Hugo.
SM – It’s been my absolute pleasure… how’s about you and me doing dinner some time; candles, romantic music, champagne on ice, a stepladder… you know the sort of thing?
SH – Awww. Much as i’d like to, i’m washing my hair, Hugo.
SM – Fairy nuff – your loss!
So, there you have it – the lovable, adorable and ever-so-slightly deranged stickmen of sl – let’s hope they never become hippos!
See your face come peaking through my window
Pictures of matchstick men and you
Mirages of matchstick men and you
All I ever see is them and you
Status Quo – Pictures Of Matchstick Men