Ever get the feeling that the whole interweb has it in for you? Not in the whole ‘404: Not found’ way, or the impossible to decipher re-captcha anti bot registration process, or the way that no matter how hard you try, that tremendously important web page you accidentally closed has vanished off the face of the web. i mean ‘has it in for you’ in the sneaky manner that – no matter where on the web you go – you end up encountering the very last thing that you want to tangle with.
The term, ‘animal lover’, is possibly not the first descriptive phrase that comes to mind when it comes to describing myself. That’s not to say i don’t like animals – i certainly do – i just don’t go overboard when anything fluffy, furry or with big liquid eyes happens to cross my path. In fact, there are very few animals that, even if i wouldn’t particularly want to cuddle up to them, i can’t appreciate. There is however, one creature that i would happily eradicate from the face of the earth with no qualms whatsoever!
Nasty, evil, menacing, freaky things! With all the goodwill in the world, i cannot think of a single redeeming feature possessed by this aberration of nature. Locusts, spiders, hyaenas, dung beetles – i can understand and they all have a place in the natural order of things, but wasps – they’re just vile and i can’t for the life of me think what possible good they do. Having once accidentally disturbed a hornets’ nest in the garden, hidden away under a pile of rubbish, i can tell you that there a few things worse than being stung in the scalp, with great big, writhing, black and yellow monstrosities entangled in your hair, ugh! If your screen is juddering in an unnatural fashion right now, it’s because of the involuntary shudders i’m broadcasting – my skin, is quite literally crawling, just at the thought of it!
Yikes! Had to take break for a bit then. Anyway, it seems recently that no matter where i go on the web, pictures, videos and graphic descriptions of these evil beasties are popping up every-damn-where, giving me the screaming heebie-jeebies and nightmares at night. Only this week, i’ve involuntarily learned about the Asian Giant Hornet, whose sting can eat through human flesh, and the lovable Tarantula Hawk – a wasp that takes on giant spiders for fun!
Before i totally freak myself out and rush around closing windows and battening down the hatches in preparation for a holocaustic onslaught of yellow-jacketed Hymenoptera as the warming days of Summer – or what passes for it around here – wakens the sleeping denizens of Wasptopia from their Winter slumbers, perhaps i should take a deep breath and bear in mind one of the more pleasant aspects of being a resident of sl…
The virtual world is a wonderful place for the true spheksophobic; for here is a place that the countryside can truly be enjoyed without the nagging fear of that noisome buzzing arriving on the scene to spoil the fun. It’s a place where picnics on the beach can be enjoyed without the horror of discovering the grinning countenance of a wasp on a mission, leering up at you from the plate of cheese sandwiches at your side. Walks in the park are, well, a walk in the park, with none of the ducking, weaving, squealing and madcap dancing on the spot, as we scream “get it away from me”, when on the receiving end of a hornet’s ire. We can happily sit with our windows open, secure in the knowledge that our peace and quiet isn’t going to be disturbed by the yellow peril as – rolled newspaper in hand – we scatter ornaments and crack windows in a mad orgy of vespicicide… in fact, it’s all quite wonderful.
Of course, it doesn’t have to be wasps in particular – i’m sure that sl provides an equally safe haven for those of you with a morbid fear of spiders, worms, patisserie doughnuts and traffic cones but isn’t it a wonderful thing that, despite it’s other annoyances, this is one area where we can be heartily thankful for the small mercies shown to us by the virtual world?
(Please note: This is not a good time to slip me a landmark for for shops selling giant wasp avatars, scripted hornets or anything else that is liable to make me shriek! i’d rather live my SLife in blissful ignorance, thank you very much!)
Oh, I am not quite sleeping
Oh, I am fast in bed
There on the wall in the bedroom creeping
I see a wasp with her wings outstretched
Sufjan Stevens – The predatory Wasp of the Palisades is out to get us