Business as usual

tumblr_m1jjr8805X1qf0d8bo1_400_largeRing, ring… ring, ring… ring, ring…

“Hello, customer service, how may I hassle you?”

“Hi. Do you know how many attempts it’s taken for me to get through to you?”

“I’m afraid not, but if you hum it, I’ll try to pick up the tune… Sorry, just my little attempt to lighten the mood! What can I do for you?”

“I was hoping you’d be able to send me a copy of your 2013 catalogue, please?”

“Our 2013 catalogue? I’m sorry, I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about – we don’t have a catalogue!”

“Oh, but you do… I’ve been reading about it all over the web! You know… it’s your latest catalogue of errors?”

“Ah, that. Erm listen, you didn’t hear it from me, OK?… The official line we’ve been told to take is to pretend everything is hunky dory, deny all knowledge and not tell the customers anything about it, ever. So, bearing all that in mind, was there anything in particular from the catalogue you were interested in?”

“As a matter of fact, yes. I’ve been trying to get your new package that’s on offer at Amazon, er… for a friend who wants to sign up, but for some reason the free version seems to have disappeared.”

“Yes, sorry about that – it seems an awful lot of existing users had ‘friends’ too – a great many friends – and basically, we pulled the offer. To be honest, it never occurred to us that we’d set ourselves up to be completely ripped off by our loyal user base… I mean, we have such a great relationship with them.”

“No really… it was for a friend who’s never tried the product.”

“So why didn’t they grab it themselves, buddy?”

“Well, for one thing, they’ve never seen an advert for your product and the rumours they’ve heard are that you’re some sort of sex site, and even if they had heard of you, they’d have to create an account first to link to Amazon to download the pack that allows them to create an account! Hardly logical, is it?”

“I’m just looking at your account now – you’re registered in the UK, so you wouldn’t have been able to link your account anyway.”

“Yeah, that was going to be my next point.”

“Hey, don’t blame us – blame Amazon! Anyway we’re working on it – the plan is to link accounts outside the States directly to bank accounts… it’s all being managed by a Nigerian businessman who has a wealth of experience in financial matters. I’m sure you’ll be receiving an e-mail from him shortly. Now, was there anything else from the catalogue you were interested in?”

“Yes. I’m quite interested in the ‘Back to 2008’ package.”

“Ah, well you’re in luck there, we’ve already rolled it out this week to all users, free of charge. When you log in next, you’ll find everything will lag just like the good old days and we’ve re-introduced some old favourite error messages that you thought you’d never see again, along with features like being unable to delete or take copies of your own creations. It’s fab! We do advise caution with the new package though… some people have been trying to build, spend money, talk and move, and it’s really not recommended!”

when“Coming to think of it… I did spot a notice about that on your website, but I was a bit confused because it was dated December this year…”

“Ah, yes – that was intentional… to take account of the lag, you see?”

“Erm, no.”

“OK, you’ve got us there. Trouble is, we don’t usually bother talking to customers, so we’re a  bit out of practice and it’s down to whoever happens to have a few spare minutes – so we, erm… gosh, this is hard to say… we. made. a. mistake! It’s OK though, we’ve fixed it now… we’ve re-written the dates to make it look like they were correct all along. It’s a trick we learned from Orwell… re-write the past, and you’ll always be right!”

“Is that so?”

“Hell yes! Now, was there anything else?”

“Yes, I’ve been reading up on the improvements that you’re going to be making in the next few months… and apparently, if my computer isn’t top-notch, a lot of things just won’t work anymore. I’m assuming that for people like me, there’ll be an option to turn off things my graphics card can’t handle, or maybe a ‘light’ version of the software for non-power users?”



“If you’re too tight to splash out on a gaming computer, you’re stuffed. We’ve decided we’re going to aim firmly at the high-end Steam market… give them all the super features that ‘World of Star Fantasy Guild Craft’ offers, even if it means that 75% of our existing users won’t benefit… we’re more than happy to put up with their complaining, as long as they keep paying for land, so that the gamers have somewhere to play and shoot each other!”

“Just one thing though… do you really think the Steam users will be interested in your ‘Back to 2008’ features?”

“I’m sorry… I’m being told to terminate this call. If you have any further issues please can you send a support ticket, in triplicate, hand-delivered and witnessed in blood by 3 high court judges? Have a nice day.”


[NB: Any similarity to any technology companies, whether real or imaginary, implied or suggested is purely a case of ‘if the cap fits, wear it’, and i can’t be held responsible for the wild flights of fancy and obtuse connections that your imaginations may pursue when reading the above piece of fiction. No animals were harmed in the writing of this post.]

s. x

I’m in the phone booth, it’s the one across the hall
If you don’t answer, I’ll just ring it off the wall
I know he’s there, but I just had to call
Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone
Blondie – Hanging On The Telephone

This entry was posted in Linden Love, Rants, RL, SL, Unlikely stories. Bookmark the permalink.

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