Try as i might, i can’t stop the real world from filtering in to sl by some means or other – not that it’s particularly noticeable to the casual observer, but to me – even though it’s entirely an unconscious process – it’s not that hard to see.
If i had to pick a single word to describe my overall state in rl at present, it would be ‘weary’ – mentally, physically and emotionally – the fuel gauge is hard against ’empty’ and pretty much all my get up and go has got up and gone. More than anything else, i feel i need a holiday – not necessarily a passport and sunblock holiday, (although that would be wonderful), but a break of some sort from what feels like a relentless and never ending treadmill that i’ve been stuck on for far too long. Don’t worry, i’m not going to bore you with the details or moan about it ad nauseum, suffice it to say that after several long months of seemingly endless hard slog, i’m all in.
This is not how i want to be – i want to be mucking about, having fun, playing the fool and generally making something more of my life than selling out to the man. It’s frustrating, and my natural reaction at such times as this is to go into retreat: i become more introvert, retiring and remote – partly my natural reaction to extreme tiredness and partly a mental and emotional withdrawal into myself… it’s a kind of defence mechanism.
Whether i want it or not, the same – somewhat apathetic – characteristics slip into sl. Those who know me well inworld may have noticed that sitings of Seren in recent weeks have become few and far between. Certainly, i’ve been knocking around sl, although not quite as often as usual, but when i have been logged in i’ve tended to keep myself very much to myself, spending an inordinate amount of time pretty much doing nothing of any consequence.
The plot where the Tubestation used to live was going to become an arty farty outdoor gallery, full of sculpture and interactive expressions of my inner self – which, coming to think of it would have been an extremely bad idea, all things considered! Several failed attempts at installations later and i had another inventory folder full of things that will probably never see the SLight of day. Chastened and somewhat disappointed with myself, i toned things down… now it would be an area of parkland, full of intriguing and mysterious nooks and crannies, treehouses and quiet gathering places. Well, that was the idea…
Slowly, but surely, the subconscious me was having its way – objects started appearing that i hadn’t planned, ideas surfaced that weren’t really intended and what i’ve ended up with is a rather dirty, downtrodden, urban industrial ghetto. On the one side are the shops, public spaces and greenbelt areas of Penny Lane, then – quite literally – on the other side of the tracks, you’ll find the dark recesses and urban squalor of my current state of mind. No idea how it came about, but there it is!
The thing is, the real me… the one who’s not worn out, washed up and burned out is still trying hard to push through. That’s why, if you’re daft enough to pay a visit, you’re quite likely to see me, all dressed up in pretty summer dresses and flowers in my hair, hiding amongst the dirt and the diesel fumes, chalking pictures of rainbows on the asphalt… i may not be able to stop the less enjoyable elements of the real world from muscling into sl, but there’s still a bit of me, even if it’s only virtual, that is determined to hang in there and there ain’t nothing rl can do about it!
Dammit! i didn’t intend to whinge and moan – but i guess i’m at a pretty low ebb right now – just gonna keep focused on those rainbows though, and i know, sometime it’ll all sort itself out.
Life’s like that.
I’ve kissed mermaids, rode the El Niño
walked the sand with the crustaceans
could find my way to Mariana
on a wave of mutilation
Pixies – Wave of Mutilation