In a bizarre example of life imitating what i hesitate to call art, it seems my wicked little Christmas story has been plagiarised by none other than reality itself! Just take a look at this! It’s just as well i didn’t write about earth being taken over by giant zombie slugs… just imagine how much of a dampener that would put on Christmas if life decided to take my cue and foist us with an invasion of brain-eating gastropods under our trees, rather than the more traditional train sets, toy soldiers and rocking horses, (yes, i was born in the wrong century!).
Although, be prepared… now that i’ve written about zombie slugs, be prepared to be dreaming of a slime Christmas… it’s bound to happen.
Anyway, you can probably tell from the jocular tone and nonsensical subject matter, i have now officially begun the holidays and a combination of the rest of the week away from work, combined with a decent slug, (whoops, there they are again), of brandy, (what do you mean, it’s supposed to go over the pudding?), has put me in a beneficent mood, which is something of a surprise, considering i’ve just spent the last hour trying to wrap two – yes, only two: i counted them, twice – presents, and fairly unsuccessfully, at that.
Present wrapping, for me, is on a par with trying to master the arcane art of mesh creation. You can give me a million-pound piece of software, featuring cutting-edge creative features and everything i could possibly wish for to make the perfect mesh object: but, give me ten minutes of fiddling, cursing and frustration and i may as well be trying to use Micro$oft Paint to create the Mona Lisa. With Christmas presents – even the ‘easy’ ones like CDs – my normally dextrous fingers turn into great clumping lumps of meat; sticky tape develops stickability that defies the laws of physics, and – when it comes to tearing off strips of the damn stuff with my teeth – it exhibits all the qualities of high-tensile steel ribbon. Ironically, the wrapping paper itself magically becomes molecule-thick, with a tendency to tear at the slightest waft of breath crossing its path.
Pass me that brandy!
Anyway, to the reason for this post – i have, i’m very much afraid, been incredibly lazy so busy that i haven’t got around to sending out the mandatory piccy of me, scantily clad in festive garb, accompanied by a seasonal witticism, masquerading as the virtual equivalent of a Christmas card. To be quite honest with you, the whole premise is wracked with pitfalls and problems anyway: for a start, there’s all those people not on my friends list, whom i consider just as much my friends as those who are. What about all the people who comment on this blog, whom i’ve never met online or, if i have, in only the most fleeting of ways – shouldn’t they get cards too? And, then there’s the silent majority, who lurk in the dark seams of the interweb, poring over these pages, but destined to be forever unknown.
How about the the social, cultural and religious minefield that a world-encompassing platform like sl presents… after all, i don’t want to offend anyone or put them in a difficult position. Should i avoid those who don’t celebrate Christmas altogether? Perhaps i should also be sending out ‘Happy Hanukkah’ cards… or ‘Diwali Greetings’… ‘Merry Kwanzaa’? That’s assuming i know what your preference is anyway!
The whole thing is just too complex for me – almost as difficult as wrapping presents.
“Bah, humbug” no, that’s too strong
‘Cause it is my favorite holiday
But all this year’s been a busy blur
Don’t think I have the energy
The Waitresses – Christmas Wrapping