I’ve just returned from that corner of Youtube which sucks the time from your life and the life from your time, yet – no matter how much you might promise yourself “I’ll stop after this one last video”, somehow – half a lifetime later – you’re still there, watching goodness knows what rubbish.
It’s that clickbait compulsion that compels you to venture ever deeper into the bowels of internet videocrity… cats doing utterly boring things; lists of ten things you never cared about; the least scary pictures ever taken, and inexplicable foreign language lack of talent shows. You just can’t stop yourself until you eventually succumb to fatigue or your brain starts running from your ears.
This particular occasion was a whole series of pointless ‘life hacks’ – you know the sort of thing: How to eat cheesy puffs without turning your fingers orange; how to open a tin can with only a brick and a slice of lemon; and a million ways not to amplify your phone speaker using only a paper cup and absolutely no concept of high fidelity sound. We seem addicted to these type of videos, and as a result, we all roll our clothes instead of folding them and can peel an orange in a single piece – and if you can’t, then that’s why your life is going nowhere fast… do it, now!
It struck me that it’s high time we had the virtual equivalent of life hacking tips, and I did toy with the idea of making a video, but to be honest that seemed too much like hard work – so instead, here’s a few hacks to make SL just that little bit simpler, (and who doesn’t need that?
- Avoid unsightly marks on your monitor
You know how it is… you’re at your favourite inworld club and somebody tells a ridiculously funny joke just at the moment you’ve taken a large mouthful of pinot grigio. The resulting tsunami of dry white makes Niagara Falls look like dribble; and – of course – it’s all over your expensive screen. The solution – wrap your monitor in cling film, and gigglesnort away to your heart’s content! Better still, you can preserve your keyboard from errant spills in the same way, and for those uproarious moments when something so funny happens that a bit of wee comes out, (go on… admit it!), why not protect your sofa too. In fact, why not go the whole hog and wrap yourself up every time you log in? (Don’t forget to leave a breathing hole though – or you’ll look very stupid when you’re wheeled into casualty!)
- Appear to be the life and soul of the party… always
So, there you are – it’s your second nightclub of the night and you’re into your sixth hour of bluegrass ska techno-rave and, although your avatar is as fresh as a dew-kissed daisy, the picture behind the screen is very different. Eyes bloodshot, pasty-faced and practically keeling over from tiredness, you soldier on, determined not to be a party pooper. You can’t grab a crafty snooze, everyone will know, so what do you do? Buy a hamster, that’s what! Simply drop your keyboard into its cage and its merry scamperings will avert the dreaded ‘Away’ tag for the rest of the night. Better still, the nonsensical typos that hammy will happily churn out on your behalf will be indecipherable from the random witterings that you’d normally be typing after a good helping of the aforementioned pinot! Problem solved
- Avoid unwelcome attention
“Ur hot babe. cum to my place and sex me bitch”. You know how it is – you’re so damn gorgeous that every aspiring Adonis wants to treasure you and shower you with affection… but it can get pretty wearing when it’s happening all the time. There’s a simple fix – create an alt, and partner yourself! For an even more believable solution, create another alt and get yourself involved in a sordid and vicious love triangle – fall out with one alt in favour of the other, then spend the next three years stalking yourself and running a smear campaign against the two of you all over Plurk. Trust me, no-one will ever bother you again.
- Make money from Second Life
First, you’ll need a large, strong box. Open up the box, place PC, spare laptop, peripherals, Oculus Rift and Space Navigator into box. Seal. Take out advertisement on eBay and sell box along with contents. Cancel all payments to land barons, Linden Lab and internet provider. Use the time you previously spent in SL doing something that pays cash… stacking shelves, prostitution, gun-running – you get the idea. You will now be making a whole lot more money, by the simple expedient of completely avoiding SL – couldn’t be easier!
This is your world, and we say “No, I won’t go”,
A life less ordinary is the one I chose,
Far away from the soul, still healing,
We rise to the sun with the hope of freedom!
The Levellers – A Life Less Ordinary