I don’t understand people,
it’s a skill I’ve never had:
Whilst those around me
make friends and acquaintances
I hover in the background
making feeble gestures
that somehow, but not quite,
the social aptitude of others.
I’ve never understood
the social nuances
that come so naturally,
so matter of factly,
to those with an acuity for connecting with the crowd.
I linger on the sidelines
wishfully, wistfully watching and wondering
just how the hell they do it
when, to me, it seems an arcane art,
one I shall never master, even if I wished.
I’ve never understood how someone who likes you,
(likes you a lot)
Will then avoid you at all costs:
Never calling, contacting
or otherwise contracting to provide
a mutual, emotionally beneficial,
bilateral exchange of honesty and openness.
“I like you… but I’ll leave you guessing”,
waiting for the elusive call or contact
Did you miss me or not?
Are you drawing close, or running scared?
Do I back off, or push on regardless?
I’ve never understood how these things work.
How to become emotionally entangled without becoming
a mess of knots and snags;
How to tread the thin line between caring and carrying,
trust and dependence, depending and defending.
I don’t understand why hearts are so fragile when feelings are so strong.
I don’t understand why I don’t understand.
I lock the doors, batten the hatches, secure the bolts and hide myself away
and there, in my sanctuary, upon the altar of my keyboard
I perform the sacrament of absolution, exposing my emotions
to a virtual confessor.
In worldly terms: a lost cause. Who, in turning to the solace of another world –
A world where I need not offer myself as a sacrifice to emotional turbulence
and fatal indecision…
I find myself empowered to do the one thing I cannot do for real…
‘Serendipidy Haven is offering friendship’
The stars that hang above you
are my light
But the stars that hang above you
are too bright
Jesu – The Stars That Hang Above You